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Disability Narratives

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Being part-time helps John remain well, but he it has raised questions for him about what he might be able to achieve.

Image representing John© Disability Narratives

Sometimes I kind of feel slightly - But it, it's more a feeling I put on myself, in the sense that I look around at my colleagues, and I look at my achievements, and I compare. Unconsciously or consciously. I compare my achievements to theirs. And I feel somewhat inferior. So sometimes in college I can feel that as - I can - because I don't have that body of work that other people do, in terms of publications and so forth. I feel that kind of I'm not on their level, as an academic. And that makes me, yeah. That can be quite hard for me. But that - I'm, I’m completely aware that that is what I put on my self, that that is not something that they at all put on me. That that's - you know - they don't kind of say "Oh, why have you only got x number of publications in the last couple of years?" You know? "Look at your colleague, who's got - you know - thirty." So as, I'm aware that that is something I put on myself.

Nevertheless it is still a very competitive environment, and it's - it is still an environment in which I think you necessarily do think about your own research. And particularly when you're thinking about applying for positions, and if - that you'd be able to have the academic standard needed to be considered, or to be hired for a certain position. You inevitably do look back at your academic record, and other people's. And certainly through the circumstances I've had, that does make me feel that I'm perhaps less - perhaps less, less able that that. I suppose, yeah. I, in a sense, I mean, it is a drawback. I'm not going to, you know, say that I can have the exact same amount of academic output throughout my entire life as somebody who doesn't have this. Because that's unrealistic to think. But nevertheless. Yes. I feel that the quality that I can do is just as good as the quality that everyone else can do. But I do feel kind of aware that I can - as an academic you are measured by both quality and quantity of, of academic output. And certainly in terms of quantity, it's lacking compared to someone else of my senior - well, of my age, within academia.